For those of you who aren't familiar with Bones, it's a show on Fox about forensic anthropologists who solve crimes in connection with the FBI. It's on like 3 different stations so you can probably watch it any night of the week. Bones was my replacement for Law and Order: SVU when I watched all the episodes. Really. It's my new favorite and I watch it religiously. That said, Bones is as believable as Jessica Alba's acting. Here's my beefs:
- How can you see if you don't turn on the lights? Seriously, what is with crime shows and dimly lit labs? I blame CSI for this trend. Labs are not lit with tinted lights that create sexy shadows. Labs are lit with florescent bulbs that show every flaw on your pock-marked face. These same lights help to illuminate whatever it is that you're studying. Who knew?
- I don't even want to know what's stuck to your sleeve. Lab coats are supposed to get disgusting. Mine, for example, is covered in wax that has all sorts of lovely bits embedded in it, like hair and teensy pieces of mouse kidney. You might argue that not all labs are that gross. Well, yes, they are, especially when they're dealing with organic tissues like the characters on Bones do. These people should be covered in blood and feces at all times (and I did see that episode with the vats of poo and those people were not poo covered enough, if you ask me). Lab coats are also amorphous and ill-fitting. You shouldn't be able to make out Emily Deschanel's tiny waist - everybody has the same body in the lab: Wide and brick like.
- I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being ridiculously good looking. Come on. These people are all really hot (not possible in an actual lab). And they all look like they smell good (really really not possible in an actual lab). Even the most normal looking of the current original cast mates, Hodgins, would be an Adonis in a real lab. The "king of the lab" if you will. And on that note...
- Where's the asian gentleman with the super long eyebrow hairs? And the lady with the random inch long hairs sprouting from her chin? Or the, you know, seasoned, well respected, scientist who hasn't left the building in 20 years? No really, where are the old people? Labs should be full of them because they're, uh, smart? Hello! They're the experts in their field. The characters on Bones appear to be under 35. The Director of the Jeffersonian disappeared after the first season and I suspect it was because he was too old. Like in Menudo.
- The victim was a 30 year old female with hemophilia and dwarfism, a cleft palate and a recently broken femur. Also, when the remains were found, the bones were GLOWING. And that, folks, is how we solve a homicide. If that homicide was committed against an extremely rare individual in extremely rare conditions. Like an astronaut that was hit by a propeller then thrown out of a plane. There are about 100 astronauts employed by NASA right now and there over 300 million people in America. It's like picking the victim out of all girls named "Jennifer" ... in my high school graduating class.
- How can you write what you don't know? Okay, so this one is Greg's peeve. His argument is that Temperance "Bones" Brennan doesn't understand most jokes, sarcasm or anything that isn't logical, so how can someone with lacking social skills write believable characters and best selling novels? What makes an innie an innie and an outie an outie? Eternal questions of our time, I say.
- The trouble with microtomy. This one is my peeve, and probably mine alone, so pardon my rant. A microtome is a fancy piece of histological equipment used to section one-cell thin sections of tissue to make slides, which are, in turn, studied under a microscope. It also takes skill to use and, when working with paraffin like they did on Bones, two other pieces of complicated equipment plus about 12 hours to end up with a finished slide. Yet all Dr. Bones had to do was say, "I need some paraffin and a microtome." It was magical. And her technique was terrible, which is why if this was a real lab, she would have had some poor lab tech with a repetitive stress injury do the cutting for her (ahem). Sorry, I just get really worked up when I see what I do on TV or in movies because what I do is so unglamorous, it's never on TV or in movies. Hey! Did you know histology was in The Fugitive? And when a sample is cut one-cell thick, the tissue is essentially transparent? So how was Ms. Jane Lynch able to provide Mr. Harrison Ford with a vibrant colored slide from an un-cut block of tissue in two seconds flat? ...