I've wanted to do this post for a long time; I remembered this a few weeks ago after watching Tremors on TV (is there a more appropriate way to watch it?). I am obsessed with this movie. Greg bought the "Tremors Attack Pack" a few years back and it has been in storage for the past 6 months, but finally now that we have new apartment (guest house, more appropriately - sweet), I can finally get the DVD and capture my favorite moments from the movie here.
|All stills in this post © Universal|
By the way, the post is fraught with spoilers and some swear words, pardon my French...
Meet Val, played by everyone's favorite bare ass, Kevin Bacon.
It's not a snake monster, it's a GRABOID.
Val is short for Valentine, which can be plainly illustrated by his heart shaped belt buckle.
Now, Val lives in an isolated desert town called Perfection, naturally.
|You know it's desolate, just look at them bullet holes.|
Val is your typical man, looking for the perfect woman: Long Blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, an ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.
|Miss Tammy Lynn Baxter's ass won't quit, but her wig might.|
His partner in crime is Earl, played by Fred Ward. Fred Ward's left eyeball is kinda funky.
Val and Earl work as handymen. Handy. Men. They hate their jobs because it involves picking up trash, pumping poop, and hammering the same spot 10 times cause the hammer just won't quite hit the nail.
|No really, Kevin Bacon tried to hit this nail like 10 times before he actually drives it in. Looks like someone should have studied hammering before filming started.|
Val and Earl are constantly playing Ro Sham Bo. For kicks.
Now, Val and Earl decide that they've had it up to here with all the poop pumping and that they're going to finally blow this popsicle stand. Nothing stands between them and Bixby. Except Edgar.
And Old Fred's Head.
And whatever's in this briefcase.
Val wants to know what we're all wondering at this point. What the hell IS going on? There is a killer on the loose! A real psycho! Our boys are forced to go back to town to warn their fellow townsfolk. And what zany townsfolk they are.
We've got Walter, the owner of the only store in town. He's got good business sense.
|We're going to be sorry if we don't give it a name. Well we ARE.|
And Nestor with his weiner kid Melvin.
|AKA Shitstain, AKA Little Asswipe|
Plus single mom + daughter who will grow slightly larger and become the pain in the ass from Jurassic Park.
Also, we have Perfection's own personal NRA, Reba McEntire and dad from Family Ties.
And finally, my favorite character, Miguel. He is the voice of reason. Perfection would soon have a population of zero if it wasn't for this guy.
|I'm going to marry this man someday.|
But, wait. Where's Val's love interest? Oh, right, she was introduced earlier in the movie. She's a college student named Rhonda. She also, conveniently, fills the need for the real smart person. You know, to explain all the scientific mumbo jumbo.
|She also fills the need for the obligatory panty shot.|
So Val and Earl arrive at Walter's, only to discover that they had a friend hitching a ride the whole time.
It's not a killer or a real psycho, it's a snake monster. Val and Earl take off for Bixby on horseback to get help, but then...
|That's how they get you. They're under the goddamned ground.|
So here's the lowdown on Graboids:
1) They are huge and hard to kill
|I think he found the ass end.|
2) They're hungry for human flesh.
|Jim ain't coming back lady, no matter how hoarsely you call for him.|
3) There's nothing like them in the fossil record, I'm sure of it.
4) The snake monsters shoot out of their mouths and grab you.
|And there's these pointy things too|
5) They're blind, but sense vibrations in the ground.
|They push themselves along with these (other pointy things). All of them (pointy things) pushing at once.|
6) There's no way we can outrun them. No way. They're too fast.
7) They smell bad, I'm sure of it.
8) These suckers are smart.
9) They hate canned tomato.
|Me too, brother.|
So WHAT will become of our band of misfits? They're gonna pole vault on outta here!
Back in town, they explain to the townsfolk that it's not a suckoid nor a sneakoid that's killing everyone. It's a GRABOID. And Perfection is just one long smorgasbord. So we don't vibrate, right? No loud noises. But oh crap, Loud noises! Enter our heros, the stuntmen.
|Yes, they're all stuntment. Except Walter (in the Graboid's mouth). I think he's a dummy.|
Kevin Bacon's got hisself a stuntman with a mighty fine wig.
Nestor's got one.
|Come on, he's even looking into the camera.|
Reba's got one too.
Hell, even the kid's got a stuntman.
|Err.. Stunt... kid?|
But, we've lost Walter.
|Kind of. That's totally a dummy.|
After one unlucky Graboid breaks into the wrong Rec Room and is shot to death, Miguel, the real star of this film (sorry Bacon), with his level head and straight forward speech, saves the day. That's right, we can't all fit on the bulldozer and we will need a decoy. Melvin?
|Start him up. Let him go off by himself. Let those things follow him all over if they like that noise.|
The 9 remaining cast members are gonna make a run for the rocky hills where no Graboid can follow.
|Eyyy. Sit on it.|
They are smart. We'll just have to blow them up. With a few household chemicals in the proper proportions. The last one is Bacon's though. Lets launch this sum'bitch of a cliff.
What have we learned here? It's obvious: Tremors is a cinematic masterpiece. A film for the ages. I mean, it's got everything:
It's a western AND a horror film.
It's got suspense
It's got somethings for the kiddies
and the ladies
and the men.
What more could you want?
|Art by Greg Hinkle|