10 Things I Learned from THE CRAFT

All stills in this post © Columbia Pictures

This post has been basting in my pressure cooker for the past few months. I now see that my procrastination has been rewarded: my arch nemesis, Buzzfeed, has created a similar article. And by arch nemesis I mean "an actually successful website that I am actually not in competition with at all because no one actually reads this blog." Whatever, BUZZFEED.

Where was I. Ah, The Craft. It's a fantastic mid 90s gem that lots of angsty young lasses identify with. I identified with it when I was 13, but hadn't yet discovered angst. That would come later. But, yes The Craft is an important film in many young girls' lives. If you have a daughter, you should let them watch it. I promise* they won't turn in to a devil worshiper.

*I promise you nothing. eeeeEEEEheheheHEHEheee


Without further ado, I present to you 10 Things I Learned from The Craft:

1) I am not telekenetic.

Telekinesis, thy name is not Shay.

Gosh darn-it, I've always wished I could float stuff. I spent a good portion of my tween years staring intensely at objects. I'd try to will the remote control into my hand, or I'd burst a vessel in my eye trying to make a soda can move. Or maybe I'd just try and make people's heads explode. We all went through that phase, right?

2) What a "Glamour" Is

Throwing a Glamour [throh-ing a glam-or] verb:
An Illusion so real as to fool an onlooker, is one of the oldest forms of magic.

This information has only proven itself to be useful in one place: for two seconds while watching True Blood. I was like, HEY!! I KNOW WHAT THAT -- okay, never mind, they explained it.

3) The Difference Between a Good Witch and a Bad Witch

Good witches balance pencils and bind others from doing harm against themselves or harm against others. They are also more conventionally pretty and have not-crazy eyes. Bad witches have crazy hair and crazy witch shoes and crazy teeth, in addition to their crazy eyes.

What the hell? Where did you come from?

Oye, Lady. Fine! I get it!

4) The Difference Between a Good Wig and a Bad Wig

Upon repeat viewings over the years, I came to the decision that Ms. Tunney's hairline looked strangely Travolta-esq. I learned that Robin Tunney was actually completely bald when filming started on the Craft because she had just finished filming Empire Records.

While there have been better wigs in film, I give kudos to the hair people on The Craft, because everyone knows that the best way to make one wig look good...

is to juxtapose it with an awful one.

5) Fairuza Balk is Terrifying

While Return to Oz is still super creepy, it most definitely did NOT prepare me for the terrifying awesomeness that is Fairuza Balk in The Craft. This woman is nuts. She looks like she feasts on rats.

Click to enlarge... if you dare.

6) Skeet Ulrich is the KING of my Trailer Park

You better educate yourself, girls, cause this man was some kind of mid-90s alterna-bad-boy royalty. Aka "The Poor Man's Johnny Depp," Skeet Ulrich was like a fine, greasy wine. He peaked in 1996, only to reemerge briefly as a Greg Kinnear beater, then did a stint on the ill fated Law & Order LA. Come back, my grease king, so that I might love you again.

7) How To Goth

Well, how to goth if it's 1996 and you go to a Catholic school. Whatever. Strut, ladies.

Admittedly, I had never heard of the term "goth" before I saw this movie. I did not know that it was a way to dress or a lifestyle or a theme at nightclubs when you want to feel dark and brooding.

8) $175,000 Can Buy A Lotta Crap

Woo-hoo! A condo? A Car!? A fancy jukebox? !$@#! Liquor? Clothes that are really tight on your body!!

check, check, check, check, and check

Things really were better in '96, weren't they. Which reminds me...

9) The 90's are BACK 

because I would totally wear all this shit.

About 15 years ago, we had the 60s/70s trend, then the 80's trend a few years back. But, this, THIS is by far my favorite repurposed fashion decade. Oh the dark lipstick! The plaid! Messy Hair!

The lounging overalls!

YES. Where can I get me some lounging overalls!

10) Teenage Boys are Horny and Awful

Ew no. NO you can't, you little shit.

This is probably the most important lesson I learned from The Craft. It's best to stay far away from teenage boys because they will all try to get in your pants, then rape you. You can quote me on that, print it in a book, and recite it to your daughters. You're welcome.

-- The End --

PS: Buzzfeed, I've got my eye on you... Don't think I didn't notice your Wonder Years post. Tsk Tsk.

PPS: And you thought I didn't notice you, Miguel.

oooo! You saucy minx you!