|All stills in this post © Columbia Pictures|
This post has been basting in my pressure cooker for the past few months. I now see that my procrastination has been rewarded: my arch nemesis, Buzzfeed, has created a similar article. And by arch nemesis I mean "an actually successful website that I am actually not in competition with at all because no one actually reads this blog." Whatever, BUZZFEED.
Where was I. Ah, The Craft. It's a fantastic mid 90s gem that lots of angsty young lasses identify with. I identified with it when I was 13, but hadn't yet discovered angst. That would come later. But, yes The Craft is an important film in many young girls' lives. If you have a daughter, you should let them watch it. I promise* they won't turn in to a devil worshiper.
*I promise you nothing. eeeeEEEEheheheHEHEheee
Without further ado, I present to you 10 Things I Learned from The Craft:
1) I am not telekenetic.
|Telekinesis, thy name is not Shay.|
2) What a "Glamour" Is
|Throwing a Glamour [throh-ing a glam-or] verb:|
An Illusion so real as to fool an onlooker, is one of the oldest forms of magic.
This information has only proven itself to be useful in one place: for two seconds while watching True Blood. I was like, HEY!! I KNOW WHAT THAT -- okay, never mind, they explained it.
3) The Difference Between a Good Witch and a Bad Witch
Good witches balance pencils and bind others from doing harm against themselves or harm against others. They are also more conventionally pretty and have not-crazy eyes. Bad witches have crazy hair and crazy witch shoes and crazy teeth, in addition to their crazy eyes.
What the hell? Where did you come from?
4) The Difference Between a Good Wig and a Bad Wig
While there have been better wigs in film, I give kudos to the hair people on The Craft, because everyone knows that the best way to make one wig look good...
is to juxtapose it with an awful one.
5) Fairuza Balk is Terrifying
|Click to enlarge... if you dare.|
6) Skeet Ulrich is the KING of my Trailer Park
You better educate yourself, girls, cause this man was some kind of mid-90s alterna-bad-boy royalty. Aka "The Poor Man's Johnny Depp," Skeet Ulrich was like a fine, greasy wine. He peaked in 1996, only to reemerge briefly as a Greg Kinnear beater, then did a stint on the ill fated Law & Order LA. Come back, my grease king, so that I might love you again.
7) How To Goth
8) $175,000 Can Buy A Lotta Crap
|check, check, check, check, and check|
9) The 90's are BACK
because I would totally wear all this shit.
The lounging overalls!
|YES. Where can I get me some lounging overalls!|
10) Teenage Boys are Horny and Awful
|Ew no. NO you can't, you little shit.|
-- The End --
PS: Buzzfeed, I've got my eye on you... Don't think I didn't notice your Wonder Years post. Tsk Tsk.
PPS: And you thought I didn't notice you, Miguel.
|oooo! You saucy minx you!|