10 Things I Learned from THE CRAFT

All stills in this post © Columbia Pictures

This post has been basting in my pressure cooker for the past few months. I now see that my procrastination has been rewarded: my arch nemesis, Buzzfeed, has created a similar article. And by arch nemesis I mean "an actually successful website that I am actually not in competition with at all because no one actually reads this blog." Whatever, BUZZFEED.

Where was I. Ah, The Craft. It's a fantastic mid 90s gem that lots of angsty young lasses identify with. I identified with it when I was 13, but hadn't yet discovered angst. That would come later. But, yes The Craft is an important film in many young girls' lives. If you have a daughter, you should let them watch it. I promise* they won't turn in to a devil worshiper.

*I promise you nothing. eeeeEEEEheheheHEHEheee


Without further ado, I present to you 10 Things I Learned from The Craft:

1) I am not telekenetic.

Telekinesis, thy name is not Shay.

Gosh darn-it, I've always wished I could float stuff. I spent a good portion of my tween years staring intensely at objects. I'd try to will the remote control into my hand, or I'd burst a vessel in my eye trying to make a soda can move. Or maybe I'd just try and make people's heads explode. We all went through that phase, right?

2) What a "Glamour" Is

Throwing a Glamour [throh-ing a glam-or] verb:
An Illusion so real as to fool an onlooker, is one of the oldest forms of magic.

This information has only proven itself to be useful in one place: for two seconds while watching True Blood. I was like, HEY!! I KNOW WHAT THAT -- okay, never mind, they explained it.

3) The Difference Between a Good Witch and a Bad Witch

Good witches balance pencils and bind others from doing harm against themselves or harm against others. They are also more conventionally pretty and have not-crazy eyes. Bad witches have crazy hair and crazy witch shoes and crazy teeth, in addition to their crazy eyes.

What the hell? Where did you come from?

Oye, Lady. Fine! I get it!

4) The Difference Between a Good Wig and a Bad Wig

Upon repeat viewings over the years, I came to the decision that Ms. Tunney's hairline looked strangely Travolta-esq. I learned that Robin Tunney was actually completely bald when filming started on the Craft because she had just finished filming Empire Records.

While there have been better wigs in film, I give kudos to the hair people on The Craft, because everyone knows that the best way to make one wig look good...

is to juxtapose it with an awful one.

5) Fairuza Balk is Terrifying

While Return to Oz is still super creepy, it most definitely did NOT prepare me for the terrifying awesomeness that is Fairuza Balk in The Craft. This woman is nuts. She looks like she feasts on rats.

Click to enlarge... if you dare.

6) Skeet Ulrich is the KING of my Trailer Park

You better educate yourself, girls, cause this man was some kind of mid-90s alterna-bad-boy royalty. Aka "The Poor Man's Johnny Depp," Skeet Ulrich was like a fine, greasy wine. He peaked in 1996, only to reemerge briefly as a Greg Kinnear beater, then did a stint on the ill fated Law & Order LA. Come back, my grease king, so that I might love you again.

7) How To Goth

Well, how to goth if it's 1996 and you go to a Catholic school. Whatever. Strut, ladies.

Admittedly, I had never heard of the term "goth" before I saw this movie. I did not know that it was a way to dress or a lifestyle or a theme at nightclubs when you want to feel dark and brooding.

8) $175,000 Can Buy A Lotta Crap

Woo-hoo! A condo? A Car!? A fancy jukebox? !$@#! Liquor? Clothes that are really tight on your body!!

check, check, check, check, and check

Things really were better in '96, weren't they. Which reminds me...

9) The 90's are BACK 

because I would totally wear all this shit.

About 15 years ago, we had the 60s/70s trend, then the 80's trend a few years back. But, this, THIS is by far my favorite repurposed fashion decade. Oh the dark lipstick! The plaid! Messy Hair!

The lounging overalls!

YES. Where can I get me some lounging overalls!

10) Teenage Boys are Horny and Awful

Ew no. NO you can't, you little shit.

This is probably the most important lesson I learned from The Craft. It's best to stay far away from teenage boys because they will all try to get in your pants, then rape you. You can quote me on that, print it in a book, and recite it to your daughters. You're welcome.

-- The End --

PS: Buzzfeed, I've got my eye on you... Don't think I didn't notice your Wonder Years post. Tsk Tsk.

PPS: And you thought I didn't notice you, Miguel.

oooo! You saucy minx you!

The Pact of Originality

As someone who holds originality as one of the most important qualities in a person, I can tell you it pisses me off to no end when someone steals an idea. It's even worse when it is stolen and portrayed as original, or stolen and used for profit. I've seen it happen with art, inventions, jokes, and even something as simple an image lifted off a blog without proper attribution. When did it become okay to do this? Why do people think that they can take someone else's creation and pass it off as their own?

Are we really this ignorant and lazy?

Every so often something out there on the world wide web surfaces and that someone receives wild praise for their original idea. Every so often, that wild praise throws me into a blind rage. Case in point: Alexa Meade. I wrote a blog post about this three years ago, and her art recently popped up in my Tumblr feed. To clarify, I have nothing against Alexa Meade's art. It is interesting and engaging and obviously people are going goo-goo-gaga over it. My issue is the fact that one the major accolades she receives from critics and casual admirers is how damned original she is. How she is "reinventing" the medium. I went on a Google tirade to see if in the last three years, anyone else (besides me), has made the connection between her 4 year old idea of painting-on-people-to-make-them-look-like-paintings and The Pageant of the Master's 70 year old idea of painting-on-people-to-make-them-look-like-paintings. I really wanted to see if Meade had acknowledged the fact that her idea had been done before... 70 years before. Aside from a two commenters on blogs (who had been shamed via down-voting) and a lone blogger who trivialized the connection, I found nothing. Nada. I left my computer in a huff after typing "I hate Alexa Meade" and seeing this:

At least I know it will now show up in Google because of this blog post.

The experience got me thinking about something that has always haunted me. Is anything one hundred percent original? Including my idea that nothing is one hundred percent original? Hell, The Barenaked Ladies even wrote a song about it. And there's this fabulous lady...

I remember once talking to one of my good friends about music. She was saying that music is inherently mathematical, so eventually, mathematically speaking, we will run out of original melodies. I told her that the same was true for ideas and stories, but she disagreed with me. It's still something I think about. All. the. time. I often fear that my "idea well" will run dry some day and I will be left as a dried husk of a Shay. It's absolutely terrifying.

I don't think there is self-manifesting mind fountain, that flows freely from of each of our brains, and allows for an abundance of novel ideas. All ideas come from somewhere. Unless you are a robot, or living in a vacuum, you are constantly being influenced by your environment. All ideas are inspired, if only subconsciously, from our own life experiences, and yes, the experiences and ideas of those who have come before us. Not giving credence to this is a slap in the face of our ancestors. Yes, I actually wrote that because I actually mean it.

I also believe that our creativity and our God given individuality is what sets us apart from each other. I believe it is one of the major contributors to meaning and identity in life. We are not of a hive-mind, Borg mentality here, people. We need to continue to diversify ourselves, our way of thinking, and our ideas in order to progress as human beings. Revel in your uniqueness, otherwise, we're just a bunch of people, regurgitating the same old shit whilst rolling around in it. Gross.